How To Catch a Cheater — Tricks, Tips, & Red Flags
Spousal detective work from A to Z
So your spouse is having an affair. Maybe.
Maybe you got cheated on in the past and fidelity is unfathomable. I get it. There’s cheating in government, Ticketmaster, Wall Street.
Why would marriage be any different?
Perhaps your partner is not showing any signs of cheating but you're bored and need a hobby. You can internet sleuth from the time the kids leave for school until after soccer practice.
No more boring mom mall lunches and core yoga. You can sport a monocle and Google your partner all day long. Or all night long if he’s not coming home.
Huh.
Maybe you’ve been watching too much TV where everyone cheats. Your brain believes TV is real life. That’s okay. Maybe TV is right. Maybe TV is real life.
Perhaps you were reading Cosmo at the dentist's office and saw that statistic 75% of men cheat and you don’t like your odds. You’ve never even won a silent auction item. You’re the only one in your family who needed braces or Prozac. Bad odds, sister.
Maybe it’s because your single friends are all dating married men. Uh oh, you remind yourself, I’m married to one of those.
That’s reality, wifey. Who are you to balk at reality? You think you’re better than reality? What are you gonna do? Rassel reality?
The inevitable question becomes ‘how far are you willing to go to discover you’re spouse is a lying louse?’
The A-Z of “Is he or isn’t he?”
A. Call his office during PCH — prime cheating hours. Don’t take he’s in a meeting as an excuse. Listen for fabric rustling. If you hear, “Ah shit Marge. My Montblanc is stuck in your lacy bra,” that’s important information. Note to self — get his secretary a new lace bra for Christmas and send hubby’s Montblanc to the repair shop.
B. Set his phone to share his location indefinitely. That’s too long. Set it for an hour.
C. Drive by all the sexy restaurants where you’d have an affair. If you find a good one, make note of it for future reference. You’ll kick yourself if you need it someday and you can’t remember the name. Stupid middle age fog brain.
D. Put air tags on his coat with his knowledge. Tell him you’re recalibrating something for an update.
E. Bug his office.
F. Call hotels during PCH and see if he’s checked in. Don’t forget to ask if he checked in under the name of women you suspect he might be sleeping with. These are modern times. Women can also check into hotels when they’re shtupping your spouse. Don’t be a sexist.
G. Sleep with Vladimir Putin and ask him to use one of his satellites to locate your spouse at all times. Have an exit plan.
H. Put air tags on his coat without his knowledge. Don’t tell him nothing, lousy cheat.
I. Get a Master Key to the local hotel you assume everyone’s cheating at. Open every single door yelling, “Aha! Caught you!”
J. Look out the window to see if he’s kissing someone else. That’s the laziest but easiest and least expensive effort.
K. Hire a private detective. This is preferable to being your own P.I. because if your husband knows who you are, he might recognize you following him.
L. Hire a squirrel to follow him. Pay in nuts. Unfortunately, squirrels are erratic and I can’t guarantee they know how to follow people. Maybe put nuts in your husband’s pockets to attract a squirrel. Or soak his underwear in nut water. There’s a nut joke in here somewhere.
M. Hire a sexy babysitter who looks young but is actually 25. Pay her to hit on him. That’s gross. Don’t do that. I can’t believe you’d even think of such a thing. Get help.
N. Sign your spouse up for dating apps, create your own sexy profile. If he gets back to you, date him. Better you than some other floozy.
O. Nanny-cam in his office. Hide the nanny bear behind the Pat Conroy books he pretends he reads.
P. Bug all his clothes. It’s expensive and you can’t wash clothes with bugs in them. He’ll end up smelling stinky and if he’s cheating, she’ll probably dump him because he smells like crap.
Q. Become a CIA profiler. Constantly profile him. If he asks you why you’re asking so many weird questions, tell him you’re in between medications.
R. Turn all your furniture into lie detector equipment. Of course, now you can’t use any of your furniture anymore because lie detectors work on everybody, not just husbands. Order take out. Sleep standing. It may not be worth the sacrifice, but in countries where people stand up all the time, they live 14.7 years longer. That sounds exhausting. Skip it.
S. Tell him a woman called and said she was his lover. See how he reacts. If he’s excited about the call, ask how he feels about threesomes.
T. Hold up sexy underpants and declare “I found these in the laundry!” If he says “I think they’re mine” you gotta acknowledge your dreary sex life might have some untapped potential.
U. Consult a psychic and ask her if he’s cheating. If she gives you an answer you don’t like, call her a hack and storm out.
V. Follow him everywhere in an Uber. Or a Lyft if you think Lyft has more attractive hoods. Don’t be shallow. A car is a car.
W. Tell him you had a dream he was cheating and see how he reacts. If he’s excited, tell him he was cheating with you. If he’s still excited, tell him to call in sick. Oou la la.
X. Get a haircut, a boob job, and dye your hair purple. See if he notices. This isn’t always unreliable because women have cut off their heads and their husbands didn’t notice. A headless woman can’t yell “You don’t even notice me when I cut off my head!” because her mouth was on her head which she lost at the same time as her keys. She didn’t think it out.
Y. Tell him you’re moving back in with your mother and see if he feels guilty. If he wants to come with you, he's crazier than you thought. Cut your losses.
Z. Ask him if he’s cheating. What are you, nuts? Haven’t you heard of air tags?